“I have psoriasis.”

My parents have said to me numerous times throughout my life, “We didn’t raise you to be so vain,” “You’re so shallow,” or some other form of a sentence that basically means “You are the living incarnation of Marcia Brady.”

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And you know what? Worse things could be said about me. I’m fine with it. I care about what I look like, and on that token, I care about what other people look like, too.

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For being so vain/shallow, I should probably look better. I’ve been a chunk from third grade on, and I’ve had my fair share of sloppy haircuts/outfit choices. But that’s neither here nor there; for the most part, I’m happy with the package I come in, and I know there’s a market for said package. (I got a ring out of it, honeys, so Mama’s doing something right. However, the husband hates when I call myself “Mama,” but besides that…)

Sometime during the past two years, though, I had my first flare up of psoriasis. It’s gross, I hate it, I’m super self conscious about it, and I wish it would go away. During my honeymoon where I was wearing shorts the whole fucking time, the flare up was on my legs. So that wasn’t ideal, but at least I could hide it under pants if I wanted to.

But now this bitch of a skin condition has decided to jump wherever it feels like: my forehead, under my eye, my wangdoodle, my bum. My entire scalp is full of bumps, but thank dickens I haven’t gone completely bald…yet.

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No, I have not been sliced with a razor blade. “I have psoriasis.”

Needless to say, this Marcia Brady has finally met her “Ooh, my nose!” moment. I don’t want to go to the dance, I’ll never be a teen model, I hate it. But I’m 30 years old, so I brush myself off, drag my ugly ass out of bed, and try to make the best of it.

You’d be shocked at how many people bring attention to it, though. “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?” “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Bitch, thank you for caring, but you are rude and I told you. Listen or shut up. Those are your options.

But, no. “I have psoriasis” has become my new “hello.” I cringe every time I say it because I feel like it’s all I say anymore. Perhaps this is karma. I’ve judged people my whole life, so now it’s time for Marcia to step into Jan’s shoes. But I want Marcia’s shoes back, dammit.

At least I’m in good company. Not that one person cares about this except me, but below are some celebrities with psoriasis to make myself feel better.

KIM KARDASHIAN announced her psoriasis on an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and occasionally posts some pictures of her flare ups on social media.

STACY LONDON used fashion to boost her self-esteem.

LEANN RIMES may be a man stealer, but when she was 6 years old, 80% of her skin was taken over by psoriasis.

ELI ROTH credits the inspiration for his hit movie, “Cabin Fever,” to psoriasis. Once he had an outbreak that was so bad that he could not walk or wear clothes, so ya know, that’s fun to look forward to.

CARA DELEVINGNE: “People would put on gloves and not want to touch me because they thought it was, like, leprosy or something.”

Again, nobody cares that any of these people have psoriasis, and I know as far as skin conditions/diseases go, I’m “lucky,” but seeing your reflection change so quickly can have an effect on a bitch. I told the husband yesterday, “Thank you for not leaving me even though I look like this,” so while others may read this, this post is really for me.

Do you have psoriasis? Do you want to rip your skin off and start fresh? How do you deal with flare ups? Help me!

 

 

SUNDAY SHOUTOUT: “We Are The Tigers”

It’s time for SUNDAY SHOUTOUT already! That was a quick week (seeing as my slow ass only posted last week’s yesterday…) 

This week’s shout out is dedicated to Rebekah M. Allen and her fantastic musical, “We Are the Tigers.”

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I was first introduced to “Tigers” in January of 2015. My little sister (who is one hard to please bitch) was visiting New York, and while trying to pick which Broadway show we’d see during this trip, we quickly realized there was no musical currently playing that was based on a teen movie or featured hot pink on the Playbill. Welp, there goes everything we have in common.

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We got matching airbrushed “Team Bailey” shirts to see Bailey Hanks in “Legally Blonde” on Broadway. I’m not kidding.

I decided to check the website for 54 Below to see if anything fun was playing. Maybe there’d be a “Broadway Sings Ashley Tisdale” concert or something that would keep my sister happy (and me, too, let’s not lie.)

What I found instead was more than I could ever dream of. The description for “We Are the Tigers: In Concert” mentioned a high school cheer leading squad, a slumber party, multiple murders, and an original pop/rock score. I. Was. In. Musical. Heaven. And that was just based on the blurb!

The performance itself did not disappoint. The story follows the Tigers, the worst-ranked high school cheerleading squad in the state, during a team-building sleepover. Fingers are pointed and everyone is a suspect when teammates start ending up murdered, and the girls must find a way to survive. It’s “Scream” meets “Bring It On” meets “Heathers” meets “Pretty Little Liars” set to music, and once again I say, it’s musical Heaven.

Rebekah finds a way to give each of her characters their own voice and song style, and while the show has a lot of laughs, it’s her ballads that really grabbed me. The duet, “Skype Tomorrow” showcases the strain that going away to college has on a friendship, and it left my covered in goosebumps.

Since then, I’ve gone to every East Coast presentation of “Tigers” that I can find, and I’m just as impressed and excited each time. Rebekah also whipped up a concert version of her unauthorized parody, “Carrie 2: The Musical” last October, and it was the perfect Halloween date for the husband and I.

If that’s not enough, Rebekah is also an entertainment contributor at Pride.com, showing that her sense of humor and strong voice does not need to be set to her energetic music to make an impact.

“We Are The Tigers” will be presented this Monday and Tuesday at 7pm in Brooklyn at the Gallery Players’ “Overtures” series. Tickets can be purchased at the link provided. I have my tickets to go on Monday, but let’s be real – I’ll probably end up going Tuesday, as well.

Preview In Review: The Blackcoat’s Daughter

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Okay, I know a trip to Google would clear this right up, but I don’t know what a Blackcoat is. I mean, I know what a black coat is; I worked at Gap for six years, for God’s sake, but as far as this movie title is concerned, no clue.

However, definition or not, this movie looks like my cup of tea. First of all, the second most famous branch of the Roberts family tree in a horror film that isn’t campy? Count. Me. In. (For clarification, although Emma is significantly less talented than Julia, I prefer her. Sue me.) As much as I love the sharp tongued, high fashion-wearing Emma the world has come to know from Scream Queens and American Horror Story, it’ll be nice to see her play  a role straight.

Mad Men’s Kiernan Shipka plays the lead, which, thanks to the trailer, I still know nothing about. A handful of girls trapped at a boarding school in the winter end up covered in blood while folk music is sung hauntingly. I’m fine with it. Plus, Kiernan is not an actress I actively search for in projects, but I’m also pleased when she’s on my screen. (Another actress that is more talented than Emma Roberts, but dammit, if I STILL don’t prefer her to Emma. Sue me twice.)

“The Blackcoat’s Daughter” will open in select theaters February 17, 2017.

 

*Merriam Webster defines “blackcoat” as a British derogatory term for clergymen.

Ways Lady Gaga’s Halftime Show Can Be Political Without Being Political

The Lady Gaga/Commercial show airs tomorrow with a football game sprinkled rudely throughout, for those of you who don’t know. And while I’m 90% over Gaga, I’m still warm to her advances.

Beyonce had WP (white people) damn near dead last year when her group of all black backup dancers came out dressed like members of the Black Panther party during halftime show. (I, too, was screaming, but in more of a “Yes, bitch, yes!” way and less of a “What will happen to my whiteness?!” way.)

Rumor has it that Super Bowl officials are trying to keep WP calm and have included restrictions in Gaga’s performance contract limiting what her show can include. Things on the “Do Not Mention” list: DTrump and politics.

That’s fine. I’m not exactly begging to hear his name during the halftime show. (I’m already watching football; let’s not twist the knife by bringing this man up.) However, Gaga has never been shy about making a statement, and while I’m sure she doesn’t want to be sued, I don’t think she’ll sing “Applause” in a meat dress and call it a day.

If I know my Gaga like I know my Gaga, I think she’ll not-so-subtly make her views known without being able to be called on it. In fact, I’ve come up with a short list of ways that the Lady can be political without mentioning politics:

1. Have gays kissing behind her while a chorus line of dancers of all skin tones and religions hold hands behind the gays.

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2. Start the performance on top of a wall Humpty Dumpty-style, only to break it down throughout her set.lady-gaga-berlin-wall

3. Perform “Telephone” with Michelle Obama taking over the Beyonce verse.michelle-obama-dance

 

4. Bring out Beyonce and her Black Panther backup dancers.

The contract says GAGA can’t get political; it doesn’t say shit about Bey.beyonce-gif

5. Do whatever the fuck she wants.

If she DOES get sued, she has enough money to pay it off. Plus, I’m sure there’s more than enough snowflakes* that would start a GoFundMe to pay for her legal fees. It’s what we do.

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Do you think Gaga will stick to her contract or will she find ways to sneak her message in? How do you think she’ll do it? Sign off below!

Sunday Shoutout: The Adventures of Hot Head

Last weekend, I messaged a handful of my talented friends, warning them that my new weekly post, “Sunday Shoutout,” would be beginning that weekend and that I’d love to showcase things they’re working on.

Cut to the Friday of the following week with no new posts published. Not a “Sunday Shoutout.” Not a review of CW’s “Riverdale.” Not even a write up on the horrific Bowling Green massacre. Cliffnotes version: I suck at this whole writing on a deadline thing (which, silver lining, now I know why I don’t have a writing career, at least.)

But here we are, the following Saturday, and I’m ready for my first SUNDAY SHOUTOUT. So turn your calendars back and use your imagination because as far as this blog is concerned, it’s Sunday January 29, y’all.

A few of my friends have been producing shorts under the popular YouTube channel, “The Timid Jester” for some time now. For the most part, they focus on creating new episodes of their web show, Screencrashers, which follows a group of friends in the middle of various role playing games that may or may not seem familiar to you. (Spoiler alert: they’ll be familiar to you. Their role playing games follow the plots of Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Angel, to name a few.)

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Besides the fact that I have more than a handful of friends involved in Timid Jester, I’ve been a fan of their work from the beginning. Their sense of humor straddles the line of pop culture fanatic/nerd perfectly, which is great for me, since my former Grindr profile used to brag about my high pop culture fanatic/nerd status, along with some very special skills. (Insert eggplant emoji here.) For their newest project, Timid Jester moved away from their normal web show style and produced a 40 minute short film. Broken into four 10-minute spots, “The Adventures of Hot Head” follows an aspiring superhero as he tries to break into the big leagues (which, wouldn’t you know, is a group of highly skilled and lowly paid professionals who must wait until they are assigned on missions by the head of the Hero’s Action Guild.)

Most of the characters that Hot Head comes across are spoofs of heroes that already exist, mainly in the Marvel universe. For instance, Hot Head finds his mentor in the form of Jessica Johns, a fast talking, leather wearing, ass kicking brunette. If you’re not familiar with this reference, speed read through the rest of this post, watch “The Adventures of Hot Head,” on YouTube, and then haul ass over to Netflix’s “Most Popular” category because you’re really missing out.

While it’s fun to discover the Hero’s Action Guild equivalents of your favorite comic heroes, “The Adventures of Hot Head” really shines when focusing on its new characters and scenarios. The scenes with Hot Head and his roommate are especially delicious.

But what literally had my jaw open throughout the film was the special effects and overall editing. I was lucky enough to go to the premiere of this movie on Tuesday, and I could not stop saying how impressed I was. I mean, his hands turn into fucking fire and then we get an animated opening sequence. I’ve never seen any independent work like it. I didn’t even know it was possible. Once again, I’m very impressed.

The three remaining episodes will be available one at a time every Thursday for the rest of the month on the group’s YouTube page found HERE.

Watch the first part of the film and leave your comments below! Are you as impressed with this movie as I am?