“I have psoriasis.”

My parents have said to me numerous times throughout my life, “We didn’t raise you to be so vain,” “You’re so shallow,” or some other form of a sentence that basically means “You are the living incarnation of Marcia Brady.”

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And you know what? Worse things could be said about me. I’m fine with it. I care about what I look like, and on that token, I care about what other people look like, too.

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For being so vain/shallow, I should probably look better. I’ve been a chunk from third grade on, and I’ve had my fair share of sloppy haircuts/outfit choices. But that’s neither here nor there; for the most part, I’m happy with the package I come in, and I know there’s a market for said package. (I got a ring out of it, honeys, so Mama’s doing something right. However, the husband hates when I call myself “Mama,” but besides that…)

Sometime during the past two years, though, I had my first flare up of psoriasis. It’s gross, I hate it, I’m super self conscious about it, and I wish it would go away. During my honeymoon where I was wearing shorts the whole fucking time, the flare up was on my legs. So that wasn’t ideal, but at least I could hide it under pants if I wanted to.

But now this bitch of a skin condition has decided to jump wherever it feels like: my forehead, under my eye, my wangdoodle, my bum. My entire scalp is full of bumps, but thank dickens I haven’t gone completely bald…yet.

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No, I have not been sliced with a razor blade. “I have psoriasis.”

Needless to say, this Marcia Brady has finally met her “Ooh, my nose!” moment. I don’t want to go to the dance, I’ll never be a teen model, I hate it. But I’m 30 years old, so I brush myself off, drag my ugly ass out of bed, and try to make the best of it.

You’d be shocked at how many people bring attention to it, though. “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?” “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Bitch, thank you for caring, but you are rude and I told you. Listen or shut up. Those are your options.

But, no. “I have psoriasis” has become my new “hello.” I cringe every time I say it because I feel like it’s all I say anymore. Perhaps this is karma. I’ve judged people my whole life, so now it’s time for Marcia to step into Jan’s shoes. But I want Marcia’s shoes back, dammit.

At least I’m in good company. Not that one person cares about this except me, but below are some celebrities with psoriasis to make myself feel better.

KIM KARDASHIAN announced her psoriasis on an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and occasionally posts some pictures of her flare ups on social media.

STACY LONDON used fashion to boost her self-esteem.

LEANN RIMES may be a man stealer, but when she was 6 years old, 80% of her skin was taken over by psoriasis.

ELI ROTH credits the inspiration for his hit movie, “Cabin Fever,” to psoriasis. Once he had an outbreak that was so bad that he could not walk or wear clothes, so ya know, that’s fun to look forward to.

CARA DELEVINGNE: “People would put on gloves and not want to touch me because they thought it was, like, leprosy or something.”

Again, nobody cares that any of these people have psoriasis, and I know as far as skin conditions/diseases go, I’m “lucky,” but seeing your reflection change so quickly can have an effect on a bitch. I told the husband yesterday, “Thank you for not leaving me even though I look like this,” so while others may read this, this post is really for me.

Do you have psoriasis? Do you want to rip your skin off and start fresh? How do you deal with flare ups? Help me!

 

 

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